Sunday, February 16, 2020
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Sunday, December 15, 2019
Monday, December 9, 2019
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Thursday, November 21, 2019
When first hearing of my diagnosis I often pondered the questions many ask. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? What sins did I refuse to forsake to bring it on? Did I fail to live up to the covenants I have received, just a year prior? Why is God torturing me? I had two people tell me unknown to each other an answer, without me asking for any advice. A sibling stated that this isn't a punishment to anyone. It's like the blind man when the Savior was asked whose fault it was he was born that way: the blind man or his parents. He responded neither. But that the powers of God could be manifest. And a friend added, ”the works of God being manifest through you.” Not exactly sure what that means but that through this trial, the works of God will be manifest. It felt to them that others will come to see and know the works of God through this.
Still to show the true weaknesses of my flesh I still doubt. I still wonder if some things that have been said to me were desires of their hearts, wishful thinking, or if it was Gods true will and desire. I told someone death is scary, but Christ is not. Christ gives hope, but the knowledge I have further gained of the afterlife, of His Resurrection, and how only those who have been sealed to the family of Abraham were resurrected from the spirit world has really morphed by views of the afterlife. The "righteous dead" were left to preach to those who refused to receive Christ until a later time when the hearts of the fathers are turned to the children and the children to those fathers in eternal glory. Its after all a desire of my heart for many years, desiring to be a greater follower of righteous and seeking the knowledge (or sealing) of the fathers as my blog slogan.
I told someone I should be satisfied with any progress made during this lifetime, even though I'm often an overachiever and want to "get it done" now, the Gospel plan does not work that way. Because what God offers affects the souls of all men.
When it has come to my spiritual journey I would not doubt many things when multiple witnesses were given, instead I would plant them and let the seed grow to determine if it was good or cast it out if it turned out it didn't. Though I did take time to ponder it out and make sure it was a proper source. When it comes to death and facing it head on I never imagined the struggles I would have. Nevertheless God and His Gospel offer's great hope. If it wasn't for a great family and children, I don't think it would be as hard as it has been. The thought of leaving them, this early in life's journey, is terrifying and saddening. I've shed many tears over the ordeal.
I share this all to record my struggles and the hand of God in even this journey. Sometimes when we only post the positive it can put a false impression on someone. I do not know if healing is in the future. Sometimes I worry its not. If it is, I kind of feel it'll be like the blind man who did not know till he was healed. Christ came and at that time he was healed unforeseen. At least that's my impression of the story. It's hard to have that type of hope when in just 3 months I went from walking to limited hand use, thumbs can't open bottles or button most pants, and walking up and down stairs is now difficult. Barely hold my phone, lift hands above my head, or walking to bathroom is a longer distance for me now. It's one of the worst diseases man can have but at least I keep my mind. I am already miserable in some ways. Physically atleast. I prefer healing. I want it. But such a thing feels hopeless when answers keep allowing for the possibility of not being healed and as I'm often told plan for the worst hope for the best.
At times my heart tells me there is still some things left for me to do here. Its not yet my time. But I don't know if its thoughts everyone faces or just personal wishes or an inkling of an impression as this is one I have not yet received witnesses of. In a blessing given to me I was told I was to record, or preserve like those did in the Book of Mormon, a record of some events. Maybe I have already done that, with this blog, or its things yet to remain, or sometimes the future can change. Nothing is static.
Still all things are given for our good. There is a purpose behind all things we suffer in this world and it passes as if it were a dream. I am reminded of the saying below.
"The greatest among us cannot be trusted with the power of God, not yet anyway. The greatest among us is still in need of repentance. Every one of us should walk fearfully before God, not because God is not generous, but because what He offers can turn you into a devil. The only way to be prepared and not fall, is to realize the enormous peril you potentially present to the universe. Before you get in a position to enjoy the status God offers to us all, you need to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, exactly like Paul said. You need to purge, remove, and reprove"
I've seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
The life I knew is over; the lights are out
Hello darkness: I'm ready to succumb
I follow you around (I always have)
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing
Can there be a day beyond this night
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction; I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
How to rise from the floor
When it's not you I'm rising for
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing
I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make
So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And with the dawn what comes then?
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again
Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice
And do the next right thing